The end of a year which I would be happy indeed to call the worst one of my life. I know I will have to add a ‘yet’ to that sentence. But I fervently wish that is not the case.
I start 2013 with no job, no relationship and decidedly more kgs. than I absolutely need. (All of them by choice.)
On the other hand, I still have my family, my cats and a super-human conviction in my own strength to get through anything at all.
It is dearly bought, this assumption of strength in oneself.
Let’s make a list of what I paid for it-
1. My trust in people.
I definitely wasn’t a babe in the woods, but I did have a certain healthy lack of cynicism. Right was right and wrong was wrong and as long as I did the right thing, I would be okay. But you see that is not the case in this world. No matter what people say to you or about you, in the end it’s all business. So I learnt the meaning of ‘fair-weather friends’ and ‘pompous turncoats’ and I think I am wiser for it.
2. The ability to forgive.
I have learnt how to carry a grudge. This tends to happen when you’re down. You remember those blows and those words, and it is amusing to see people take them back and act like it is okay. This applies for strangers as well as ones who are dearest to me.
It is not okay. Not yet at least. Maybe in a while.
There is a happy ignorance to people who have never had anything bad happen to them. They think that life can get only so bad, and then it turns around. There is faith in being a chosen one. Until you discover that sometimes it does not get better. (Take a hint, 2013.)
But in exchange for my pieces of silver, I get to be the girl who did not stay silent. That is something, right? I will not let this year define my life, but it has defined the kind of person I want to be.
If I unlearn this conviction, I shall be my own Judas.