In anticipation.

“I can stop anytime I want.”

It gives me comfort, this phrase.

It lets me know that I’m still in control.

That I have not gone too far down a road that I might regret.

That I am still the woman I hope to be, rather than just the girl my mind is trapped inside.

Maybe one day, when my mind and my body are in agreement on my age, I might stop this chase.

Until then, I choose to continue.

Strange word this – “choose”.

Implies so much of my own volition.

As if falling was my choice.

I was stumbling about, yes. I was on the precipice, yes. I took a step, yes.

But I did not wish to fall.

I know the complete anarchy that is waiting at the bottom of that tumble, and I wish for none of it.

And yet, here I am, feeling the air on my face, the tears streaming down, the screams escaping me, hands flailing about, buffeted by the wind.

And I can see the ground coming closer.
I still say –“I can stop anytime I want.”

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4 comments

  1. S · June 22, 2012

    That’s really beautiful

  2. Kopal · June 22, 2012

    Thank you 😀

  3. Swapnil (@thecipherstory) · June 22, 2012

    “That I am still the woman I hope to be, rather than just the girl my mind is trapped inside.” this confusion, yes!

  4. cosmicpriest · June 29, 2012

    Please do not take that “choice” for granted. One never realizes when that delusional choice disappears and all that you’re left with is the “desire” to go back. 😐

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