“I can stop anytime I want.”
It gives me comfort, this phrase.
It lets me know that I’m still in control.
That I have not gone too far down a road that I might regret.
That I am still the woman I hope to be, rather than just the girl my mind is trapped inside.
Maybe one day, when my mind and my body are in agreement on my age, I might stop this chase.
Until then, I choose to continue.
Strange word this – “choose”.
Implies so much of my own volition.
As if falling was my choice.
I was stumbling about, yes. I was on the precipice, yes. I took a step, yes.
But I did not wish to fall.
I know the complete anarchy that is waiting at the bottom of that tumble, and I wish for none of it.
And yet, here I am, feeling the air on my face, the tears streaming down, the screams escaping me, hands flailing about, buffeted by the wind.
And I can see the ground coming closer.
I still say –“I can stop anytime I want.”