A gloomy room, a half empty beer can, the music is loud, and I close my eyes.

I take a deep breath, lie back, and wait for them to come.

They stop my heart for a long second, so long that I can’t breath and a little panic overcomes me. They come out with a rush, jerking me up, gasping, and making my eyes sting. They don’t spill over. I can see the light on the ceiling through them.

I hope to feel them slide down my cheeks and make my neck damp. I  hope to feel them fall and new ones take their place. I hope for them to keep coming, for a long long time. I hope for them to take my breath and not give it back. I hope that they will wash away once and for all, and leave a clean beautiful feeling behind.

And because they love me so much, they fulfill my hope. But because they are as perverse as I am, they stop just short of the clean slate. They tantalize. Maybe next time.

I want to be able to say-

I don’t hurt anymore. The pain is gone.

That’s a bad thing isn’t it?


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